Friday, August 21, 2009

What say you?

They all assured me college was going to be mind blowing…….
They were true to their word I tell you…. My mind blew off.
Months earlier I came across an article in the paper related to euphemisms.
The publishers thought it necessary to do so only when poor Carol Gracias { an indian model} had a wardrobe malfunction….{to the lay man that would be ‘she was on the ramp and since the designer was as careless as could be her clothes fell off and the viewers got a show more outstanding than they had paid for…….}
Instead of saying so and so died we gift wrap it {putting things in a nice manner} and tell they passed away. {What were they? smoke???} The smart journalists were of the opinion that it was they who came up with such discreet expressions to put forth something socially disapproved {unclothed women on stage are you know} and death of a loved one {humans generally hate facing the truth they prefer having their bones crushed to talcum powder than do away with their illusions}.

Asinine journos I tell you……..

That fact about our ingenious scribes I only realised when I stepped into ‘college life’…. The seeds for ear catching phrases had started out years before not in the fertile brains of a reporter in a conference room but in the not totally rusty if not well oiled brains of students in college campuses.

“Hey! Did you check out that couple making out there?????? Oooooohhhhhhhhh…….. Gross I tell you…….”
I gave the ever bemused smile of a rookie { euphemism for a fresh out of school individual…….. Didn’t want any expression on my naturally expressive face that would show I understood all of what was being said as much as I understood Shakespeare’s plays. Did I? {Some how the expressiveness never showed up during the bharatnatyam classes I tell you…uggghhh} I forgot about all of that when I reached home since I had more pressing matters in my mind like whether my outfits were trendy enough or not or if I had made the right kind of friends or not..{Adolescence I tell ...Yuck…angst ridden adolescence}

Few months later I was rudely shaken out of my reverie of whether I should tell this girl {called CP for conveniences sake} who would stick around with me despite my easy-to-read face showing that she was smothering me like only a vacuumed chamber could with her constantly lingering around me to bugger off {turned out my face wasn’t animated enough when the time came or she was as blind as a bat}. I turned around to see it was CP herself to my great horror and chagrin {as if she could have any inkling of what was going inside that double number locked head of mine. But like I said my face broke into spontaneous animation when the same was least required of it}

I smiled the most ah-I am- such – a nice –person kind of smile {which apparently works!! That doesn’t mean I am not nice you know} and looked up at her. She gave me her best Colgate-say –cheese smile and pointed out to me two people who I was least concerned about in the world. Luckily for her my not knowing any other people in college made it very easy for me to absorb her absurd behaviour like no one else could. “That girl is a good friend of mine you know” she told me as if it was something that I had been dying to know of after if brad and angie were actually together or not…….. I gave her the same engrossed look I would have given to one of Paris Hilton’s songs {yikes}. “I think she’s going around with that boy. He is also from our parish” she further supplied. I replied with an exaggerated Jim Carrey expression of shock “Ohhhhhhhhh I see!!!!!” My resolve to let her know about my feelings or lack of it towards her became as strong as that of the male protagonist in a romantic flick towards the climax. I was at a loss trying to understand why she would tell about two people going around the campus…… wasn’t it their wish if they wanted to walk?????? I sighed and made my way with her to our next lecture wondering which escape route would prove fruitful from being stuck in a 50 minute lecture with her beside me without hurting her feelings.

I found my chance soon enough as I ended up in a few lectures with total strangers of which CP wasn’t a part. Over time I started hanging out with few of the same people during the lunch break. Very soon her haunting became sporadic like my once in a week sinusitis headaches since she found new friends. I should also say that the two were a pain of the same magnitude. It was once during one of these CP free breaks when my friends had coaxed me to sit in the foyer {basically the canteen though I still have no clue as to why its is called that} which was supposedly a happening place {which means lot of noise &crowd} and one where CP didn’t like to come that I learned the meanings of all those phrases that sent my brain working over time in the past. My friends had a conversation which illuminated the dark world of ignorance {according to me its innocence} that I inhabited.
My friend Mads started laughing at the ridiculous spectacle of two girls hugging each other squealing at the top of their voices at a pitch I am sure must have set off all the dogs in the area into madness. She then said to my other friend Jovi
Mads: “Weren’t these two involved in a showdown last week?”
Jovi : “ yeah! A was mad at B because she caught her making out with the same guy she was going around with. It was big time PDA I hear!”
Shrut: “and now they are making up???????”
Bevy: “yeah! These townie chicks are just like that……. Unpredictable.

So the smart quote for today is " Treat a townie's actions like you would treat a politicians"

For all those teen-lingo impaired persons {which I was a few years back} reading the above a simpler version is

Girl A and girl B had a big fight because A saw B publically display physical affection{ it’s the euphemism for kissing and the works} the boy A was in a relationship with{ euphemism for he was her boyfriend}. And B and the boy’s public display of affection {full form of PDA} was gag worthy { which means disgusting}. And as of today the girls are forgetting their differences {euphemism for not hating each other} and have become friends once again. Girls {chicks} from the affluent south side of Mumbai also referred to as town {hence the inhabitants are called townies} always behave weirdly.

Nice huh???? We teens also dig short forms {dig means to love}. And have quite a few ingenious creations to our credit…… PDA was one. Because becomes coz and obvious “bcms” “obvio”. Deadly meant wonderful or really good. So did sexy.

I thought she was a psychotic when Shrut pointed out a sexy pair of shoes to me. When my face betrayed me she started ROTFL {rolling on the floor laughing} and told me “FYI it means awesome or great” {FYI is for your information}. We later went to a deadly movie and spent 15 minutes talking to a classmate who was “such a drag” {meaning plain boring} when both Bev and I said "Phew" together Mads giggled saying GMTA {great minds think alike}. Then when we saw that the frigging math lecture {depends whether it’s good or bad on what is frigging, in this case bad} was cancelled until next week we went OMG with delirious ecstasy and moved out when a confirmed junkie { not a junk food addict but a drug addict} crossed our path. On coming out of campus when we saw people from class taking a fag {smoking} we started talking on top of our voices about how smoking was banned by the law in public areas……. I felt the decibel level and exclamation was a little bit OTT {over the top} at which my friends turned senti {sentimental} with pride since I was getting the hang of things. We met another gal pal {friend who is a girl}who was a frenemie {who is a a friend and an enemy} and greeted her with a nonchalant wat's up?? also wassup??? {doesnt mean we are asking her what's above her head or whether she had her supper. It means hi}

Before you all feel beat up {no one is hitting you it means just tired} with deciphering this whole new language let me get back to figuring out what exactly Goth, Jock, Jerk, Dork and Nerd mean…….

Yours deadly,


Friday, August 14, 2009

What's in a name???????

So there mates…….

your encouraging me felt awesome I must tell you. Your responses and eagerness for more enthralled me to the very tips of my hair. Mads, that’s one mail that will remain in my inbox until apocalypse raps smartly on my front door. Bev, your enthusiasm is so contagious I am sure it will prove to be a major rival to the swine flu. But you guys are acting all coy and not coming up with names for this blog. So be it then….. I came up with a few names of my own. ‘Let there be wit” and “much ado about everything”. The latter being the one I finally used. I know it sounds lamer than a one legged man trying to win an ass kicking competition.

But like the beloved Juliet says “what’s in a name?”Well, little did she realise that it’s the name itself that would be the harbinger of her death. I am sure if Romeo was not a Montague but a Khan the two would never have been written about because, well they would be alive wouldn’t they? Talking of these two love birds I was just thinking how convenient it would be for some more love stories of their kind to blossom currently. For those of you who are unaware R&J met at a masquerade party and it was literally love at first sight cause R had a mask on and it’s only the eyes that J saw and got attracted to at first. With the ongoing swine flu rampage in Mumbai and masks becoming 'the' thing to wear I am sure we don’t need masquerade balls for young people to look into each others eyes and fall in love. Gross I tell you. Yeah so you see you don’t have to become all despondent at the idea of sporting masks…. Look at the flipside people the very mask might find you your soul mate. But please get married after the swine flu is cleared because you don’t want to repent having seen the eyes and only realising later that the face sucks... phew!!

Talking of the swine flu I think I am indebted to it in more ways than any human can be except one owning a pharmaceutical company can be to a disease. That’s because I don’t have my Social Involvement Programme work to report to, have holidays so I can laze around at home and well it gives me a topic to write about.

Basically I’d be really grateful to the person who can tell me why exactly the swine flu is still called the swine flu....... Last I heard it took to mutating into something worse than it was and that bacon is still on the shelves doing decent business {so is ham and pork for all my meat loving people there}.

Even though there are no signs of the grey clouds of monsoon in this part of India that many a Bollywood lyricist uses as a parameter to compare the rich darkness of the heroine’s hair in Hindi songs we’re having a lot of thunderbolts being hurled upon us I must tell you. The biggest and most electrifying one is the cancellation of college festivals and on the whole festivals of all kinds. {By the way aren’t rain clouds grey? So what do these songs mean? That the lover is old and has grey hair????? Or are they colour blind????} I can already hear howls of disbelief of the college going population ranging in the age group of 15 to 21… sad but that’s what they call life you know, when a manic flu cancels much awaited festivals. That is your smart quote for today….

Life is also when wily and smart assed writers with one blue whale of an imagination portray vampires as the hottest thing on the block next to being stuck in the sauna in a thriller movie. Half the women I know are hooked to the twilight saga or true blood, the most happening series on television courtesy HBO. I am sure Stephanie Meyers and Alan Ball must be having a ‘ball ‘of a time looking at their sky rocketing bank balances that makes them richer than New York’s ‘mayor’{pun very much intended}….

Well that half of the population I mentioned earlier includes me and quoting the Jonas Brothers if I may do so ‘don’t charge me for the crime’. The funny part is we are searching for someone who has a sliver of the qualities Edward Cullen or Bill Compton has. The thing that's even funnier is that it really doesn’t matter to us whether they're named Edward, Bill, Eric or Frank Hardy or Ramu Kaka. If they are a vampire and a good one at that, well they fit the bill. No wonder we can’t find anyone like that because some how it slips off our minds like an ill fitted wig from a sweaty baldy’s head that these dream characters are frigging vampires. So for the life of me I can’t understand why we look out for a human. Oh well!, maybe until we do find a some what second hand human substitute we should indulge ourselves with mere drooling over twilight and true blood. . .....

Ughhhhhhhhhhhh see cute vampires do that to you. You feel like you’re a bloody housefly caught in a platinum spider web…… and it would be a bonus if spidey {as in Spiderman} comes along to save the day… Sorry for the overdose of inhuman/superhero movie/novel characters……….

Well until Edward, Bill or Spidey {and not a random sidey} comes along…………..

Yours stuck in the Romantic- Sci-Fi- Supernatural -Heroes zone


Thursday, August 13, 2009

writer's "blog" :)

Dearest friends and fellow Homo sapiens……… …………..

Agreed that a few of you must be thinking OMG what balderdash is this girl going to drop on our heads. So for all you curious hens, cocks and all of the bird species there let me get to satisfying your curiosity rather than whetting it and making you go nuts.

Well last Thursday when my friends Bevy, Mads and I were having the usual heart to heart in the train journey back to borivali{Mumbai, India} the topic came up about my writing or the recent lack of it… They said that it’s the dreaded foe of most aspiring writers called “writers block” that has held my writing talents hostage somewhere deep within the precincts of my subconscious. They were also generous and sweet enough to give an idea….. Write about what we talk or generally what happens in life. I was then reminded of a funny column that used to come in the newspaper at home{UAE} the Gulf News called ‘off the cuff’. And the local weekly magazine called Friday which had a column by this British guy called g*nice. The column would have just his picture showing his back profile sitting with his laptop and show us his clean shaven head. It was awesome. It was zany, witty, nostalgic and honest.

{And believe me g*nice is like my idol so if you go online and happen to read his column and read this you might notice similarities so do me a favour and don’t report me for plagiarism.{hahahahahaha} } I thought ‘heck! Why not do something like that??

This started as an email passed among friends and before i knew it i was bombarded with requests to start a blog. So that is why and that is how this started. The idea to start a blog originally came from Yo who i am sure must be rubbing her hands in glee seeing this take form finally just like the housefly buzzing here who i intend to swat after i finish this. Thank you honey.

Thank you also Mads, Bevy, Shruts, Jovi, SR.jr and Mommy dearest for all the encouragement

Oh before I jump the gun{if that is the right expression}. Criticism is important for me…. My main intention of doing this is to make you laugh, at least bring a smile, improve my writing and never fall short of ideas to write on…….

‘Life is one big drama you can go on writing reviews about’ and that is the smart quote of the day… All sincere readers shall make a point of learning these quotes by heart even though I wrote it and not Confucius.
Now cutting the crap or crop {as you wish} and coming to the point…….

My esteemed friends brought it to the attention of my abstracted mind that I wasn’t writing and it is a crisis called writers block. I always thought writers block was for lazy jackasses who just didn’t want to write. Even when people would ask “Hey!! Have you anything new?” and I would go “Nah... No time or I am too busy” I never realised that I was the jackass here who was too lazy to move her fat bum and get writing. Most writers never realise that they are suffering from a block or barricade or fence or whatever. It’s always no ideas or no time or no space whereas basically the naked fact is “Hell! I didn’t invite you to the funeral of that something that died a long time back within me”. And before you realise its dead it ends up putrefying and the decayed matter cements itself within you and then the odour shrouds you and you’ve changed before you can say Hannah Montana... This is unless some remarkable friends of yours sniff out the process of death and decide to resurrect that component of your soul that needs red bull……. My awesome blossom [forgive me for being crass enough to borrow this tween lingo from a nutty show called kya mast hai life on disney and it’s the after effects of having my cousins over who follow it religiously and if that is religion what must be god then I fear??????} friends Bevy and Mads decided to put on their gardener gloves and do some digging and replanting inside of me and pouring red bull…….. As a result of which this piece of flora has come into existence with fully feathered wings. The reasons for this dying of the creative aspect of the soul can be many…lack of ideas being the first and the lamest. Then you have loneliness, depression, and lack of emotional support. I sound like I am ranting of the docket in a psychologist’s survey of what causes teenagers to have premarital sex. Ughhhhhhh…..

I insist that my friends should use their talents in their backyard and not inside of me next time around……ummmmmmm…. Now that’s food for thought or drink for energy if I may say so……..

From yours hopefully waiting to hear from you guys in the affirmative