Sunday, September 19, 2010

Sonny side

Before you start reading just letting you know the words calignious, tenebrous, crepescular simply put mean dark..... I just wanted synonyms instead of using the same word again and again. I used a thesaurus. ;)

I haven’t written for a month and 19 days. I was planning on a little something to celebrate the 1st birthday of the blog, wish it Bon Blogaversaire maybe. This blog does warrant that kind of gratitude on my part. There aren’t ample avenues or outlets available for an 18 year old to vent out her frustration and let go of her reticent nature bit by bit. 
Yes, a year back on the 13th of August this blog was born as a cumulative effect of boredom, joblessness, the latent desire for positive recognition and a genuine, intrinsic love for words and language. But the day the blog turned 1 I got hit by an auto rickshaw. The accident in itself didn’t leave me much to remember it by, at least not the day I got hit. A random stranger from the same rickshaw helped me stand up from my horizontal position of repose on rain drenched tar, I went home in a partial stupor, got cleaned up and then was again on my way to college. The next day I couldn’t hoist myself out of bed: consequence of a sore neck, numerous bruised and aching body parts and a busted right leg that is still tender to touch. It was the closest I’d ever come to being killed. Already a multitude of events had led to a lot of mental unrest and turmoil. This ripped off the bronze lining on my characteristically Cimmerian cloud. And then there were the gratuitous interviews I gave to two departments that organised the college festival. The first rejection nipped at my heart but it didn’t hurt. The second rejection didn’t hurt. It nipped my craving to write at a very subterranean level.

My clouds of dark moods are as seasonal and expected as are the clouds of monsoon but rare have been the occasions where the hopes of a sunny day have been shattered. I don’t mind criticism or rejection when it’s straight forward and people come up to me and say “Falak, your writing sucks.” I might feel a little blue {but then who doesn’t} and recover shortly feeling grateful for the constructive criticism. But to have yourself and your writing lambasted within earshot is a crushing experience. The organiser of the second department, a classmate of mine did just that; very subtly without using names but just highlighting the gender and topic and a lot of choice expletives while describing ‘this girl’ to her friends. For weeks on an end I was recipient of filthy looks from her and every time I’d cringe within. That I guess was the last straw that broke the under-confident girl’s weak spirit. 

People with broken spirits take a vacation; it’s rejuvenating and helps you clear your head. When things became too much to handle I took a hiatus. The place I visited was stygian in its setting. It was perpetually night and the only recreation the people here {some tourists, some permanent residents} partook in was the masochistic pleasure derived from deriding self and ability. We emulated the citizens and conformed easily to their existence: denying ourselves the calorie-laden sweet meats of happiness, the sleep of the content person sure about their self-worth and salubrious dreams that provided exercise to the grey cells. I dined and wined myself to bursting point on the choicest dishes of self-doubt and tears served cold, visited museums and admired paintings of self-destruction and spent hours in theatres watching and analysing the entire diatribe meted out to me by OG extraordinaire which was replayed incessantly. The sky was forever nebulous and moonless when looked at from my tenebrous lodgings. Later I would aimlessly weave in and out of winding caliginous streets that kept going round in circles and bringing me back to the place I began from: I can’t write. I was such a law-abiding visitor that the authorities were planning to bestow an honorary citizenship on me and I was seriously perusing the possibility of accepting it.

I was handing in my letter confirming my endorsement of the same when a visitor was announced. She walked right in and I was blinded for a moment. The crepuscular evening was suddenly aglow with the luminosity of her being and the gloomy inhabitants scurried to bury themselves deep in the city’s labyrinths to avoid her resplendent smile. Everything about her had always been golden and light: gold streaked, brown hair, warm caramel eyes and that smile. She dragged me through the corridors, talking nineteen to the dozen, holding my wrists in a death-like vise. As she yanked me she illuminated the streets I used to walk in despair and suddenly I saw new paths that could lead me out of the circle. She tore up my citizenship papers which then blazed aflame in her hands. The same hands that warmed my entire being with a simple touch and eliminated the cold and numbness I had accustomed myself to. She started ranting about the evils of the vacation I had taken and threatened to wallop me black and blue the next time I gave her the slip and bolted. The idea of her hitting anyone {non-violent soul that she is} made me break into convulsions of laughter; pure gleeful laughter the sound of which I had almost forgotten. She got us both out of the hell-hole I had created within me and I assure you I haven’t stopped smiling and she hasn’t stopped talking {she never does} at all since then. If you don’t believe me, try looking for the elusive dimple that only appears when I’m really smiling. She’s still working on blotting out the memory of ‘I can’t write’ and to look straight into the eyes of Miss dirty looks and give her a cool smirk. We are making progress.

I just wanted to wish my blog a happy birthday and to thank You ‘Femme d’or’ who lit up my dark skies with a brilliant sun.
You truly are my Sonshine.



  1. Hello Falak,

    Welcome back with Hearty Congratulations to you and this wonderful blog on the 1st Anniversary. It truly has been a wonderful rollercoaster ride reading your posts and viewing the world from an all together different angle.

    I take this opportunity to thank your ‘Femme d’or’ on forcing you to look at life anew. This tender age of 18 can force you to take rash decisions and affect your very being. I am glad you have such a lovely lady in your life as a friend who succeeded in yanking you off your reverie. Love you and your dear friends. You all make a lovely bunch... god bless u all...

  2. Wow falak! so many experiences compressed into one blog! amazing!! i still disagree that what dirty eyes said was about u...but the fact that u got over it is enough for me =D btw i lovveee the description of how u were lost, wandering on the streets etc!! brilliant! u really got my imagination running!! awesome job once again!
    i watched "meet the robinsons" today & i learnt that no matter how many tyms u fail u gotta put the past behind u & KEEP MOVING FORWARD...& thats exactly wat u did, so way to go!!
    oh & when i read the title i was like y is it Sonny?? then i got it...its nice that u dedicated this post specially to her :P but id like to think that we all helped u too...?? lol
    Anyway keep it up! keep writing..(regularly... :P)

  3. Hey Falak,
    I disagree to the fact that one stupid og demoralized u from writing!!!!!!!!!!! ur awesome girl get this thing right into ur head!!!!!!!! u dnt need any1 to tel u that ur jus 2 good in writng no nt good but d best!!!! i liked the whole thing of wanderng in streets and all very nice!!!!!!!!!!!!! plz do write regularly!!!!! waitin for ur nex blog.........

  4. Loved this post and the style with which you glad that you are back from despair and the 'hell hole' you were in...i don't really think that dirty eyes criticized you the way u think she did..but then u should never pay attention to shallow people like her... waiting for the next post!

  5. Hi Falak,

    Read your blog and told my 'Sunny Side Up' that you are simply amazing. Vow, I am still trying to take in your style of writing. Girl... you are superb and let not what others say bog you down. Learn to take criticism in your stride just like you absorb compliments. Only thru' criticism, will you come out a winner. Keep writing.....Wl surely be looking out for your next post.

    Lots of Love............Patsy

  6. Hey Falak,
    What can I say to this particular blog??? I am really in an emotional state right now.... It's very rare to have someone acknowledge another person the way you did...This Sonshine of yours is truly a lucky woman...And I am quite sure she will never let go of that hand of yours. Whenever you need her, I am sure she will be there.
    And about that hag from hell, well, lets just keep her there...anyway she loves the "smoke!!!";D what say luv? And we will continue to give her our "those" looks...or at least I will continue... I love doing that!!!!
    And about that Sonshine friend of yours....I must say...she must be really amazing!!!! I wish I knew her!!!!:) Lucky her to be written about!!!
    Wow....I feel like I have written a post too... but i want only your comment...cos according to me your an amazing and a very versatile writer...
    Love you as you know it....
    Like everyone said...Waiting 4 your next post....

  7. Lakshmi:- Thank You very much. Encouraging readers like yourself with your discerning (in a +ve context)taste are the ones who inspire me to view the world in ways unexplored. Thank You so much once again!My Femme d'or sends her thanks and love too :)

    Bev:- Firstly Bev, thanks a million. You are a consistent commenter and one of my few readers who religiously comments as soon as I put up a new post. I dedicated this to 'her' because I didn't know how else to thank her. I wanted to share my experience of self doubt and how I overcame it and as I was writing that i realsied how integral a part she is to the plot and there was no way I could not mention her. And of course you guys helped. You guys were God who sent Jesus to help me out.

    Mana:- Thank You Mana! You have gotten that point into my head and its going to remain there for some time now :). I will try and write ASAP. My head is teeming with ideas I want to develop on!

    Yohanna:- Thanks Yohanna :)I don't know how deep or dense {pun very much intended} she is but in a way whatever she did indirectly did me a hell lot of good. Promise will continue writing.

    Patsy:- So glad that you read my blog and commented too! Even gladder that you liked it. That Sonny side up of yours is one of a kind:) Sure will write as soon as I can. Thank you so much!

    Sonya:- The hag from hell???? HAHAHHAAHHA smoke? double hahahahaha. She doesn't affect me anymore.... well not as acutely as she once did. You're right about my Sonshine friend and I guess I'm lucky to have her around to write about her. You're most welcome as a guest blogger on this blog anytime the idea catches your fancy. About the acknowledgement bit, you forget..... Writing's the only thing I know to do! SO what better way to tell her Thank You?
    Loads of love to you too :)

  8. hey falak !! keep going with the great blogging :) u write very well !! just one thing, ur last post was a wee bit difficult to understand cz the vocab is just way too superior fr the common man :P ... (ie. me) try and keep it simple..but love the way u express urself !! bye !

  9. Happy Blogoversary! Your writing is beautiful. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

  10. entagled:- Thanks a ton! You were the one who originally introduced me to blogging when I scarcely had an idea of what it was. I did realise about the vocab bit. I just used a thesaurus and found different synonyms for the word 'dark':P I a commom man myself..hehhe but will take heed to your suggestion in future.

    Erika:- Thank You so much! Its really nice of you to have taken out time from your hectic schedule to visit my blog and leave this encouraging comment. Hope Izzy's doing fine. Love and hugs for her.

  11. Heyy

    Commenting in the middle of exams! I guess I just needed a break from all that studying! :P
    Nice much as I want to smack you for mulling over all those things and letting them get to you so..I'm just happy that you're out of it now..:)
    I loved the way you described your femme d'or!
    Love you two!!!

    Keep writing...[its like telling someone 'keep smilin..']

  12. Oh hey..

    and you changed your theme!!! Its nice...I like it!

  13. Kalyani:- I will keep writing and smiling both. Awesome to know my blogs serves as a means of break during exams! :)

    Finally someone commenst about the change in template. thank you!