I have to and have to and have to, just have to get that phone back. Need my phone, need my phone want my phone want my phone WANT MY PHONE.....
So after a lot of tears, cursing, lamenting, searching and bemoaning my luck Beverly and I went to the Police Station 2 days later to file an FIR and submit the magical IMEI number that would help trace my darling cell phone and bring it back to me. As we got out of the rickshaw we were in we spent some time ogling at the building that was the Police Station. We looked at each other and then started walking towards the station compound. We climbed up a few stairs before finally stepping into the part of the structure that actually housed the cops. I wanted to snigger. Uncontrollably.
What would people say? Girls from good families never even skirt the boundaries of a Police Station, let alone step inside one. Cops are not to be trusted; half the rapists and killers and smugglers in the city are policemen. Police stations are filthy and unsafe.
While my head was swimming with voices yelling out all the stereotypes attached to Police Stations and Policemen my common sense was stating superfluous facts blithely.
Looks like the outpatient section of a hospital with linoleum flooring and off white walls, no smell, no lock ups in view {what a letdown...} no cops in sight either....Why do they have a foyer? An empty one at that too. Oh, there’s another room to the left. I spy cops. What do we do now?
“What do we do now Bev?”
“Ask someone what we should exactly do?” Bev and I, we have a penchant for rhetoric.
“Madam, what are you looking for? {On second thoughts} How can I help you?”
“We needed to lodge a complaint regarding a lost cell phone.....”
“Please enter the room to your left and let Inspector Mhatre know what your problem is.”
Oh yes, yes! I remember Inspector Mhatre... His kid was in kindergarten with me.{Rolling eyes}
Bored cop looks at our bemused faces and then on an impulse decides to rephrase his sentence, “The policeman in the cubicle on the left end of the room, Maam”
We ‘Thank You’d’ in tandem and walked to meet Inspector Mhatre. He was busy on the phone talking nineteen to the dozen in Marathi: a language Beverly can come to terms with after grappling with a sentence or two per second and a language that is as alien to me as being overweight is to a model. Inspector Mhatre smiled at us mouthed ‘cell phone’ and then gestured us to the other end of the long rectangular room. He smiled once again, held the phone a few inches away from his ear and yelled out loudly
“Shinde, Ya Madamcha mobile missing ahey. Tyachi complaint londavaychi ahey” {Ma’am has lost her phone. Lodge her complaint}
Constable Shinde escorted us to the far end of the room and sat us down on two identical, thankfully not battered plastic lawn chairs. He removed huge horn-rimmed glasses from his breast-pocket and fixed them onto the bridge of his nose. I felt like we were in an eighties Bollywood movie; the aggrieved female leads about to file a complaint and cops who weren’t the least interested about what we had to say. But I was wrong, they were interested.
“Where do you live? Are you working or are you a student? When exactly did this happen? Where did the phone get lost?”
“I don’t know exactly where.....I came home and realised that my phone was missing. I travel to and fro from home to college by train. I can’t precisely remember where I last used it or when it went missing.”
“So did it go missing in the train?” Questioned the constable, “Because if it did then you’ll have to go to the Railway police and file a complaint. So I’ll write that you lost it in the bus while travelling from the station to your house, right?” His eyebrows were raised quizzically, a conspiratorial look in the eyes.
Policemen 101: They make you run from pillar to post. He’s doing the opposite and helping us....Surprise Surprise
“When did it exactly go missing?”
“On the 17th of February, Sir. Most probably in the afternoon.”
“Well it’s 19th evening today......”
I know that, didn't I just confirm my occupation as a student?
“I’ll lodge a complaint for the 18th..... You lost it on the 18th, right?”
Bev and I look at each other, both our eyes mirroring the same expression: amazement , “Yes, Sir”
Policemen 101: Cops are sticklers for facts if it aides in harassing the public. False.
In walks top cop Inspector Kadam and seats himself on the chair before us. He starts interrogating me in Marathi and I stare at him dumbfounded. The Inspector looks from the constable to Beverly. I know what he’s thinking. Is she slow or what?
“She doesn’t understand Marathi, Sir”, Bev supplied in Hindi. Inspector resorts to displaying expressions of mock hurt and insult. The man’s regional spirit has been crushed with my lack of knowledge of his mother tongue is what he’s implying.
Marathi yeth nahi ka?! Mumbai mein reh ke Marathi aana chahiye na? {You don't know Marathi, is it? When you live in Mumbai you should know Marathi!}
If after living here for only four years you feel this distraught imagine how the Arabs are feeling ........
“Umar kya hai apki? Age Age....” he adds in English for my benefit.
I said don’t understand Marathi but Hindi I do, so please quit the subtitles.....
“Unnees saal , Sir. Hum SYBA students hai” {We are 19 year old SYBA students} I said. I was bored of playing scared, big-eyed, innocent alien. We threw in the prestigious name of our college for added measure, snobs that we are. Plus we wanted them to believe that we were serious about what we came and weren’t passing time. As I was rattling off all of my personal details, including my name age, address, surname, place of birth, father’s name, college and phone number a group of petty criminals who were cowering on the floor near us looking around listlessly were overhearing our conversation with the cops. Bev drew her chair sideways trying to appear unperturbed while making a conscious attempt to distance herself from the scruffy looking convicts.
We had one of our many telepathic conversations
What if they memorize my details and hunt me down? How smart are these cops?
C’mon Lucky, they don’t look bright enough to memorize all that AND act upon it.
Point noted Bevy.
Also note: you’re plain paranoid.
Iyeah! Ha! I drew the chair away didn’t I?
It’s called hygienic concerns.
Hmph...
Hmphh right back at you.
Inspector Kadam boomed, “Accha, Ok, Shinde tila lost certificate denyat yawe” {Please issue a lost certificate with the details to Ma'am}. And after barking his command with practised flourish the Inspector went to wherever it was he had come from.
After furnishing all the details they wanted I handed them the magical IMEI number.
Fingers crossed, C’mon numbers work your magic. Prove your worth. Break my losing streak.
Constable Shinde looked at me and said ,“Ahhhh , We’ve heard about this, but we don’t understand the technology and neither do we have it.”
"But Sir...."
Policemen 101: 5 year olds are technologically more competent than cops. These words resonate with nothing but the truth.
“Even though it’s not of much use I will mention it here in your lost certificate.” And saying so he wrote it down on the sheet of paper they had the gall to call a certificate.
The lost certificate was for me to keep, in case I needed to claim my phone or check the status of my complaint. The FIR; the official version of the lost certificate that the cops kept with them had no mention of the IMEI number whatsoever. There isn’t any mind-boggling rocket science involved with regards to the IMEI number. The cops just have to note it down call up the different service providers in the city and inform them that any new Sim Card that operates with this IMEI should be reported to the cops immediately and the co-ordinates of that Sim Card have to be provided to the IT section of the police department. Technologically incompetent moi knows that.
“Now what Sir?”
“Now nothing, we will wait and see if someone hands it over. Usually they don’t but just in case you know....”
Oh so basically after changing 2 buses and coming this far all you guys are going to do is wait for some public spirited citizen to hand it over? Classic......
“How costly was it? When you tried calling what happened?”
“I don’t know how costly it was Sir, but it was more than Rs 10,000 and when I tried calling my number I got the ‘switched off’ message even though the battery was fully charged in the morning.”
Who cares about the money {I do of course!} but the pictures of my family, school friends, videos from the JB concert, videos of my baby cousins and Bev’s first time on stage, my songs, messages , my things to do list, reminders...........Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
“Then it’s gone for sure. Either ways here’s you certificate. We will inform you if something crops up.”
They went back to watching the cricket world cup on the TV installed in an inner ‘cops only sanctum’.
Thanks for the extra helping of positivity. Wonder why it tastes bitter.
As we were walking out of the precinct Bev and I spoke out at the same time,
“What a waste of time and energy!”
“Although they were sweet and nice”
“Yeah they weren’t manner less boors.”
“We know most cops DO have potbellies and paunches”
“You bet”
“Look at the bright side, we know how a Police Station functions and we’ve been inside one! “
"Yeah! We were brave enough to go and deal with the cops on our own without any adult help Bev!"
"We ARE technically adults, you know......"
"Oh yeah..... I tend to forget that sometimes."
"Well, at least we tried"
"Yeah, we tried."
I’ve tried everything possible to locate my phone. Apart from obsessing over it and suffering from anxiety attacks there isn’t much I can do. So I sleep at night dreaming of my pretty little touch screen hoping that somehow, someday soon it will turn up flashing it’s backlight and notification lights cheekily at me.
The nut who stole it even stole the phone’s sassy red cover :(
Falak
PS: If the Marathi translations are any good just letting you know that they are the handiwork of my friend Madhuri :) If they're faulty please give the brickbats to her too :P Special thanks to Kalyani for providing me with typical Marathi policemen surnames :) Yes, those aren't the real names of the cops I interacted with. Whatever made you think I'm going to risk my neck doing that???